not looking back.

I’ve never lost anyone quite like you lost me.
I was the light shining in front of you but you closed your eyes and told me that it was too dark to see.

You never knew what you lost until I walked away.
You left me with no questions, no apologies, and nothing left to say.

I walked away from you and I never once looked back.
I expected it to crumble and break but my heart doesn’t have a crack.

You’ll look for me in others, but I will not be found.
No one else can make you feel that high with your feet still on the ground.

To The People Who Haven’t Given Up On Me: Thank You

It has been no secret that life hasn’t been easy lately, or for awhile. But this isn’t about that. This is for all of the people that are still here despite that.

To give some background, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety well over a year ago. Once you have that combination, it never fully “goes away”. The best way I can explain it is by saying that they are like long distance friends that you hopefully don’t have to see often, but when you do see them, they stay with you and usually overstay their welcome. It is exhausting, mentally and physically, to keep up with them. They steal things from you. They might keep you confined to your house. They might tell you not to get out of bed. They might keep you awake all night telling you over-exaggerated stories that aren’t true or they might make you sleep the day away. They are enough to take your appetite away, but they might also tell you to eat everything in your house. They make you overanalyze every situation you find yourself in. Anxiety tells you to worry about everything. Depression tells you to care about nothing. They will rip you in half if you let them.

I’m lucky.

I bet you never thought you’d hear that after a description of a normal day in my head, but I am. I have people pushing me back together in both directions when these terrible friends of mine try to play tug of war with my soul.

If love alone could make this all go away, I would be healthy again. I’m sad to say that it doesn’t, but it does help. You see, sometimes, my brain lies to me. On the days that I get weak and listen to it, my brain seems to scream the lies. I talk to the ones that I love and the ones that love me and they calm me down enough for me to tell my brain to shut up.

I was talking to my dad yesterday about how bad I was feeling and how I wasn’t sleeping well. He could hear in my voice how low I felt. We went through a list of things I could do (one that we have memorized by now) to start to reclaim my life again and by the end of the call, my heart felt a little lighter.

This took years for me to figure out. It took years for me to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’ve simply been strong for too long. Even professional weightlifters can’t do a thousands reps without feeling tired.

You might know someone who is going through something similar. Help them. Call them. Message them. Tell them that you love them and that the world needs them. This is not a “way of thinking” that can be turned on and off. Depression and anxiety does not come from not having gratitude for the things you have. It doesn’t mean they are selfish. It doesn’t mean they are lazy. It doesn’t mean that they can start “thinking happy thoughts” and it will go away. But it does mean that you need to help them. Everyone fights their own battle that others know nothing about, but battles are won by many people not just one. I am so thankful that I don’t fight alone.

“You have incredible people in your life who love you.”

I say that to myself during my morning affirmation that takes place before I get out of bed. It includes many more sayings about being strong and confident, but most days those are more difficult to say. The phrase above has never been difficult to say. It comes out of my mouth without hesitation.

To the people who haven’t given up on me: I know that you wish you could take it all away. I know that you worry. I wish everyone that had these diseases had people like you. This world would be a better place. You’re kindness does not go unnoticed. Your love does not go unfelt. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

i need you.

There will be times when I need you to love me a little louder, especially on the days that I don’t love myself.

I’ll need you to yell over all of the voices in my head that tell me that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough.

I’ll need you to speak up for me when the words won’t escape my throat.

I’ll need you to give me pep talks to get out of bed.

I’ll need you to tell me that you believe in me when I give up on myself.

I’ll need you to hold my hand and keep me grounded when my world starts to spin.

I’ll need you to be my best friend when it feels like I have no one to turn to.

Most of all, I’ll need you when this nightmare is over.

Found

Falling in love with you wasn’t hard.
You smiled in my direction and I got lost.
I was lost in your smile and your laugh.
But they were like road maps showing me the way back to the me that no one sees.
You have honest eyes.
I can tell because they are like nothing I’ve ever seen.
And when I told you about all of the wrong that was done to me, you apologized for their mistakes.
You’re special to me and to everyone that meets you.
Your heart is made of gold but still it’s you that treats me as if I’m a precious metal- never knowing your worth.
No one has ever noticed how you shine.
But I found you in my darkest of days.
It would have been so easy to fall into the black but you walked by and just like a child chasing fireflies, I followed you.
I watched you light up the world for others and let you light mine too.

I wake up next to you.
Your hair is messy; your beard is unkept.
I wonder how I slept though your snoring.
I’m so thankful that I’m looking at you.
I’m so thankful that you guided me to a place where I can be myself.
So I lay here and I watch you sleep.
I straighten out the tshirt- your tshirt- that I slept in and grab your hand.
You open your eyes and smile and I smile back.
I know as you squeeze my hand as you drift back to sleep that this is what love feels like.
And I fall again, but thankfully, falling in love with you isn’t hard.

The Power of Folding Pants

Here is my confession: I hate doing housework.

I know that you’re thinking, “Who doesn’t?”, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I actually despise it. I hate dishes. I hate laundry. I hate vacuuming. I hate it ALL.

I blame my mother. My mom was the mom/wife of the year for almost 26 years running (my 26th birthday is on March 5th). I never once saw our home looking trashed or dirty even though I can still hear her voice in my head when she said, “I don’t want us to live in filth and squalor.” That particular day, I picked my socks up off the ground and all was well again.

I never wanted to take care of anything of the sorts even though I feel so much better when it’s done.

Recently, I began a new relationship. He is older than me and is a complete neat freak. It’s safe to say that I absolutely adore love him. He is very caring, sweet, and calm. He is everything that my previous boyfriends weren’t. And maybe that’s why I feel myself changing.

I noticed it as we were setting up for a Superbowl party. He just got done with working a 12 hour shift and still needed to go to the grocery store, dust the house, clean his bedroom, fold his laundry, clean the bathroom, shower, eat, and sleep so he could be ready at 6:30 the next morning for another 12 hour shift. I looked at the clock that read 8:32pm and couldn’t figure out when he would have time to accomplish all of that. Then, I uttered words that I never ever thought I’d ever say.

“Why don’t you start with a shower and I’ll take care of the other things.”

First of all, he wouldn’t let me go to the grocery store which is probably a great idea as I get lost and distracted very easily there. Next, WHAT!?!?

I stood there, trying to figure out if I really just said what I think I said. Did I really just say that I would do things such as dust the house?! (I should also add that this house is not mine or his so I really get no benefit of it.) I just volunteered like Katniss Everdeen and didn’t even think twice.

Was I growing up? Is this when I start to really make some changes in my life and start to become the doting lady who keeps a perfect home? My sink full of dishes says otherwise. I think it’s more than that.

My boyfriend works so hard. He is a wonderful sidekick. He is a great friend, a perfect timed joke when I’ve had a bad day, and the only one I want to share a dinner with. I truly care about this person, so I WANT to care FOR this person. LIGHTBULB.

Everything made sense now. When I was younger, I was involved in everything, and I mean everything. I would have practice after a full day of school and then I would have hours of homework. At some point, I needed to sleep and eat. My mom cared about me so deeply that she wanted me to be able to take care of myself, so she did all of the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning for me. She knew that I had a lot on my plate, so she eased the weight of it all by taking the things off that she could and leaving me with the necessities of my life at the time. What an incredible woman!

As I woke up to my boyfriend’s alarm, he rolled over and said, “Go back to sleep for 20 minutes. I’ll be back up to kiss you goodbye.” I closed my eyes and just thought. I thought about him. I thought about his work and thought about how he won’t even be able to enjoy half of the party because he’ll be working for most of it. I thought about how tired he probably was and how he felt like he still had so much to do. So in twenty minutes, he kissed me goodbye. He asked why I didn’t go back to sleep and I told him that I wasn’t tired while yawning. Rookie mistake. He of course laughed at me for that. I started getting dressed and as I heard the door shut, I looked over to his closet. There was a laundry basket full of clean clothes and another big pile next to it waiting to be folded. I could leave it, but instead, I picked up a t-shirt. It was one that he wore a lot. It smelled fresh. It smelled like him. I put it on a hanger. I continued until the basket was empty and started on the next pile. I folded pajama pants, socks, and even his underwear (and first in our relationship). And it was done. All of it. I put everything away and made his bed and just as I was walking out of his room, the incoming message tone sounded on my phone. It read, “Thanks for all your help last night and today love you babe.”

And just like that, the things I did for him don’t seem like they were a hassle at all. I’m so blessed to have a man in my life that appreciates the little things. I’m happy to have someone who takes the extra 30 seconds to send me a message thanking me. I’m grateful that I have the ability to care for someone and make the weight of the day a little lighter. And I’m thankful that I had a mother that taught me that caring for someone is one of the greatest things you will ever do in your life.

Maybe I’ll do some of my own housework today…

drowning.

If you’re wondering if this post is about you, it is.

I remember the night I met you, wishing I could blend into the shadows, not knowing why I was even there. I wasn’t used to being alone and neither were you, so we spent the night alone together looking at a bridge that matched the color of your eyes. That night was the first night in a long time that I laughed, and I mean truly laughed. My heart was full of rips and tears and had been stitched together recklessly. I knew when you smiled at me that I was in trouble and that those stitches probably wouldn’t hold, but I did it anyway. I went for it. I walked the plank and plunged into the unknown, fully aware that I might drown. And I did. I drowned in the way you said my name and they way you would reach for me at night. I drowned in the way your sleepy smile would slowly make its way to your face at three in the morning after you “accidentally” woke me up and after I would kiss your cheek before I fell back asleep. I drowned in the way you made me feel beautiful and special. But I never expected to drown when you said goodbye and the only thing left were the red gleam of your tail lights fading away from my house.

It was true. Our story was written quickly and it was short, but my, what a story it was… I read every syllable. I loved every word. And I re-read it from time to time when I can’t sleep. It’s one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever read.

Some nights, I still think I hear your truck pull up to my house. I check the window for signs of you coming to say that this was all a mistake, but I know deep down you’ll never show. I understand why you didn’t want me because most days, I don’t even want myself. I wish I deserved someone like you in my life; I thought when you appeared that you were the apology for the boys who came before you. And in some ways, I guess you were.

You showed me how I should be treated. You kissed me how I should be kissed. You held me how I should be held. And you believed in me like no one ever had. For those reasons alone, I’ll never be able to repay you, but I will tell you this. You deserve those things too.

You deserve to have someone who is proud to have you. You deserve someone who lights up when they see you smiling at them. You deserve someone to lay awake and stare at the ceiling and be perfectly content by just being next to you. You deserve someone who can make you laugh and make a hard day better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of the good and bad pieces that make you whole. And although I know that I wasn’t what you were looking for, I truly and honestly hope you find it.

 “Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us. 
-Emery Allen

Resilient.

Remembering the hurt that came from that day sometimes still strips the air from my lungs like the sheets that came off of our bed.
Even months after you were gone, I still heard your laugh and it still haunted me late at night when I couldn’t sleep.
Sometimes things aren’t meant to be.
I know now that we were one of those things.
Lately, I’ve been noticing how I’ve become strong enough to stand alone and not use you as my crutch.
I‘ve been through hell and back and I proudly wear my battle scars like Picasso drew this work of art just for me.
Every now and then I think that you leaving was a big misunderstanding,  but in reality, it was quite the opposite.
Now I get to give my heart to someone whose hands can protect it like a box labeled “fragile”.
The greatest gift you ever gave me was leaving.

“Good Enough”

When I was 13, I always thought that I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone to ever love. Like many teenagers, I was a little dramatic. I’d tell my mom daily that my hair was too curly, my teeth weren’t straight, my stomach wasn’t flat, my glasses made me look like a nerd, and so on. I spent so much time fixated on all of the things that I thought made me unlovable.

I was worse than average. I was short. I was weird. I was different than what I thought everyone wanted. I wanted a boyfriend, but I was so awkward that I couldn’t even be in the same room with boys without making a fool of myself. A lot of times, I would just sit quietly. Anyone who knows me now will have a hard time believing that.

One day, an ass hole guy came along that made me feel wanted and loved, so we decided to date for about 7 years. (I know… dramatic again. Clearly, I had a way with relationships that was kind of like a car going from zero to sixty in two seconds flat.) I was told every day that I was loved and that I was “perfect” in his eyes. One night, after an argument with my parents, I told him that I never thought I was good enough. He replied that I’d always be good enough for him.

That was exactly what I wanted! Finally,  I was good enough in the eyes of someone who truly cared about me! Unfortunately,  there were other girls that were “good enough” for him too. They placed their “good enough” heads on my pillow when I wasn’t sleeping there. He held their “good enough” hands. He kissed their “good enough” lips and made their “good enough” smiles shine just as brightly as my perfectly straight smile did.

So there I was, not even good enough for the one person who told me I would always be. The funny thing about your brain is that it tries to repair itself with whatever it can think of that will make it better the fastest. That’s why your heart can be breaking and your brain is still telling you not to cry and to put on a smile.

I pretended my way through thinking that we still deserved each other. We were back together. We had a future planned. I was good enough again for a man boy who couldn’t make up his mind. I was showered with love and affection. I was proudly displayed to his friends and family. And then one day, another “good enough” girl was too. It happened again. I packed my belongings up with my broken heart and never looked back.

I’m 25 now. I’ve been through deaths and more tough breakups. I’ve struggled and continue to struggle with diagnosed major depression and anxiety, but I’m fighting. In all of my therapy sessions so far, I’ve explained this feeling of inadequacy. I’ve told my therapists that I don’t feel lovable. I don’t feel worthy. I just feel like this second place version of the girl that everyone wants.

I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of it.

In the days of social media, it’s easy to get wrapped up in how everyone else’s life is moving forward while it seems like you’re playing the childhood game “Red Light, Green Light” and the person yelling the commands went to make a sandwich after yelling, “RED LIGHT!” You feel lost. You feel lonely. To make it worse, the Pinterest wedding you have planned is currently at a stand still. Everyone is having babies and you’re just drinking with a weirdo at a bar.

I’m sick of the term “good enough”. It’s degrading. It’s confusing. “Good enough” is a C-. It’s passing a class by the skin of your teeth. A recipe that is “good enough” is edible at best. It might not be something that Gordon Ramsey will scream at you for, but he isn’t going to let you win “Hell’s Kitchen” for it.

I hear girls say that they want to be “good enough” for a boy who keeps choosing other girls ahead of them. “Good enough” is easy to attain. I attain it every day by getting out of bed, showering, and looking presentable in public. How powerful would it be to attain a life that was better than “good enough”?

The first thing you must do is be better than “good enough” in your own eyes. Be your own hero and your own biggest fan. Laugh at your own jokes. Love the body you’re in. Love whatever kind of hair sits on top of your head. Wear your glasses that make you look like you’re studying for the SAT. Dance your heart out to a song and use those cheesy 80’s dance moves (you look good, don’t worry). Sing every lyric to a Backstreet Boys song in public. Write a blog post and share it with all of your Facebook friends even if it terrifies you. Be yourself. Love yourself.

I’m working on all of the above advice and some days, it’s still really hard. I still have days that I don’t like myself, but I will always love who I am because I fought to become this person. I’m proud of what I have to offer this world and the next person that tells me that I’m not “good enough” can go to hell (sorry, Mom…I got wrapped up in the heat of the moment).

Be stronger. Be wiser. Be sillier. Be braver. Be happier.

And above all, remember, you have so many other wonderful things about you that push you above and beyond the threshold of “good enough”. Be better than “good enough”, live a better than “good enough” life, and love someone who knows you’re better than “good enough” and treats you like it too.

#bebetter

getaway

By all means, go back to what wrecked you.
Put the hurt back in your heart.
Let it make you the man you didn’t ever want to be.
But don’t you dare come fumbling back, too drunk to drive, handing me keys because you need a release.
I’m done being your getaway, the place you stay when you can’t face home.
The place you run to when you need love because she doesn’t know what that means.
I’m not building you back up anymore while you let her break you down.
I’m not sticking around to see the smile fade from your face this time.

That Day

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece the day we had to say goodbye to a good friend of mine. I’ve never published it,  but while glancing through the hundreds of drafts sitting here, waiting to be complete, I found it. I hope it can bring others comfort and just being reminded of a loved one and having memories with them is one of the greatest gifts we could have.

I feel like when you left this earth, you took a piece of us with you. And I could ask for it back, but having a piece of us with you brings me a little comfort. You left us with so many memories that it’s probably the least we could do.

To say that we loved you would be an understatement.  To say that we miss you would be one too. It doesn’t make sense to think about you being gone because I still expect to hear you laugh when I talk to you. I still expect to hear your greeting of “Hey Chica” and see you walk through my door. I know it will never come. I still have so much to tell you, so for now, I’ll talk to the sky.

I know you’d fix this if you could. You always had a way of smirking when things went wrong. It was almost as if you wanted to show that whatever happened couldn’t get you down. It was one of the things we all loved about you. We needed your smile today.

I needed it. I used it as I told people about how great you were. I told them all of the things you did and said that made me happy to be your friend. I thought those things perfectly described you and everything that you were. I ran out of words. Not because I didn’t have a million great memories and stories,  but because all of the things I could ever say about you wouldn’t ever do you justice. It’s impossible to count all the stars in the sky.

My eyes ache from crying. My head aches from thinking. And my heart aches because it isn’t quite as full as it used to be.

I could ask a million questions, but I know that there are no answers. There are moments in the day that I’m angry. Why did God need you right now? Didn’t he see that we needed you more? We still needed you here.

I remember your laugh the most and how if you had something really funny to tell me, you’d start laughing half way through your sentence. It was as if you couldn’t wait to laugh with me and it made me feel special. Being your friend made me feel so special because I know you cherished the ones you had. I was so blessed to have you as a friend.
Now I’m blessed to have you as an angel.