To The People Who Haven’t Given Up On Me: Thank You

It has been no secret that life hasn’t been easy lately, or for awhile. But this isn’t about that. This is for all of the people that are still here despite that.

To give some background, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety well over a year ago. Once you have that combination, it never fully “goes away”. The best way I can explain it is by saying that they are like long distance friends that you hopefully don’t have to see often, but when you do see them, they stay with you and usually overstay their welcome. It is exhausting, mentally and physically, to keep up with them. They steal things from you. They might keep you confined to your house. They might tell you not to get out of bed. They might keep you awake all night telling you over-exaggerated stories that aren’t true or they might make you sleep the day away. They are enough to take your appetite away, but they might also tell you to eat everything in your house. They make you overanalyze every situation you find yourself in. Anxiety tells you to worry about everything. Depression tells you to care about nothing. They will rip you in half if you let them.

I’m lucky.

I bet you never thought you’d hear that after a description of a normal day in my head, but I am. I have people pushing me back together in both directions when these terrible friends of mine try to play tug of war with my soul.

If love alone could make this all go away, I would be healthy again. I’m sad to say that it doesn’t, but it does help. You see, sometimes, my brain lies to me. On the days that I get weak and listen to it, my brain seems to scream the lies. I talk to the ones that I love and the ones that love me and they calm me down enough for me to tell my brain to shut up.

I was talking to my dad yesterday about how bad I was feeling and how I wasn’t sleeping well. He could hear in my voice how low I felt. We went through a list of things I could do (one that we have memorized by now) to start to reclaim my life again and by the end of the call, my heart felt a little lighter.

This took years for me to figure out. It took years for me to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’ve simply been strong for too long. Even professional weightlifters can’t do a thousands reps without feeling tired.

You might know someone who is going through something similar. Help them. Call them. Message them. Tell them that you love them and that the world needs them. This is not a “way of thinking” that can be turned on and off. Depression and anxiety does not come from not having gratitude for the things you have. It doesn’t mean they are selfish. It doesn’t mean they are lazy. It doesn’t mean that they can start “thinking happy thoughts” and it will go away. But it does mean that you need to help them. Everyone fights their own battle that others know nothing about, but battles are won by many people not just one. I am so thankful that I don’t fight alone.

“You have incredible people in your life who love you.”

I say that to myself during my morning affirmation that takes place before I get out of bed. It includes many more sayings about being strong and confident, but most days those are more difficult to say. The phrase above has never been difficult to say. It comes out of my mouth without hesitation.

To the people who haven’t given up on me: I know that you wish you could take it all away. I know that you worry. I wish everyone that had these diseases had people like you. This world would be a better place. You’re kindness does not go unnoticed. Your love does not go unfelt. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

i need you.

There will be times when I need you to love me a little louder, especially on the days that I don’t love myself.

I’ll need you to yell over all of the voices in my head that tell me that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough.

I’ll need you to speak up for me when the words won’t escape my throat.

I’ll need you to give me pep talks to get out of bed.

I’ll need you to tell me that you believe in me when I give up on myself.

I’ll need you to hold my hand and keep me grounded when my world starts to spin.

I’ll need you to be my best friend when it feels like I have no one to turn to.

Most of all, I’ll need you when this nightmare is over.

Visibility.

Risen, I awoke.
Opened my eyes and heart too.
My eyes glanced up then.

Such a stunning sight-
Sensing sensational sun.
The sky looked so bright.

Then the fog lifted
a breath of fresh air my way.
The screen was now gone.

“Good Enough”

When I was 13, I always thought that I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone to ever love. Like many teenagers, I was a little dramatic. I’d tell my mom daily that my hair was too curly, my teeth weren’t straight, my stomach wasn’t flat, my glasses made me look like a nerd, and so on. I spent so much time fixated on all of the things that I thought made me unlovable.

I was worse than average. I was short. I was weird. I was different than what I thought everyone wanted. I wanted a boyfriend, but I was so awkward that I couldn’t even be in the same room with boys without making a fool of myself. A lot of times, I would just sit quietly. Anyone who knows me now will have a hard time believing that.

One day, an ass hole guy came along that made me feel wanted and loved, so we decided to date for about 7 years. (I know… dramatic again. Clearly, I had a way with relationships that was kind of like a car going from zero to sixty in two seconds flat.) I was told every day that I was loved and that I was “perfect” in his eyes. One night, after an argument with my parents, I told him that I never thought I was good enough. He replied that I’d always be good enough for him.

That was exactly what I wanted! Finally,  I was good enough in the eyes of someone who truly cared about me! Unfortunately,  there were other girls that were “good enough” for him too. They placed their “good enough” heads on my pillow when I wasn’t sleeping there. He held their “good enough” hands. He kissed their “good enough” lips and made their “good enough” smiles shine just as brightly as my perfectly straight smile did.

So there I was, not even good enough for the one person who told me I would always be. The funny thing about your brain is that it tries to repair itself with whatever it can think of that will make it better the fastest. That’s why your heart can be breaking and your brain is still telling you not to cry and to put on a smile.

I pretended my way through thinking that we still deserved each other. We were back together. We had a future planned. I was good enough again for a man boy who couldn’t make up his mind. I was showered with love and affection. I was proudly displayed to his friends and family. And then one day, another “good enough” girl was too. It happened again. I packed my belongings up with my broken heart and never looked back.

I’m 25 now. I’ve been through deaths and more tough breakups. I’ve struggled and continue to struggle with diagnosed major depression and anxiety, but I’m fighting. In all of my therapy sessions so far, I’ve explained this feeling of inadequacy. I’ve told my therapists that I don’t feel lovable. I don’t feel worthy. I just feel like this second place version of the girl that everyone wants.

I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of it.

In the days of social media, it’s easy to get wrapped up in how everyone else’s life is moving forward while it seems like you’re playing the childhood game “Red Light, Green Light” and the person yelling the commands went to make a sandwich after yelling, “RED LIGHT!” You feel lost. You feel lonely. To make it worse, the Pinterest wedding you have planned is currently at a stand still. Everyone is having babies and you’re just drinking with a weirdo at a bar.

I’m sick of the term “good enough”. It’s degrading. It’s confusing. “Good enough” is a C-. It’s passing a class by the skin of your teeth. A recipe that is “good enough” is edible at best. It might not be something that Gordon Ramsey will scream at you for, but he isn’t going to let you win “Hell’s Kitchen” for it.

I hear girls say that they want to be “good enough” for a boy who keeps choosing other girls ahead of them. “Good enough” is easy to attain. I attain it every day by getting out of bed, showering, and looking presentable in public. How powerful would it be to attain a life that was better than “good enough”?

The first thing you must do is be better than “good enough” in your own eyes. Be your own hero and your own biggest fan. Laugh at your own jokes. Love the body you’re in. Love whatever kind of hair sits on top of your head. Wear your glasses that make you look like you’re studying for the SAT. Dance your heart out to a song and use those cheesy 80’s dance moves (you look good, don’t worry). Sing every lyric to a Backstreet Boys song in public. Write a blog post and share it with all of your Facebook friends even if it terrifies you. Be yourself. Love yourself.

I’m working on all of the above advice and some days, it’s still really hard. I still have days that I don’t like myself, but I will always love who I am because I fought to become this person. I’m proud of what I have to offer this world and the next person that tells me that I’m not “good enough” can go to hell (sorry, Mom…I got wrapped up in the heat of the moment).

Be stronger. Be wiser. Be sillier. Be braver. Be happier.

And above all, remember, you have so many other wonderful things about you that push you above and beyond the threshold of “good enough”. Be better than “good enough”, live a better than “good enough” life, and love someone who knows you’re better than “good enough” and treats you like it too.

#bebetter