It has been no secret that life hasn’t been easy lately, or for awhile. But this isn’t about that. This is for all of the people that are still here despite that.
To give some background, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety well over a year ago. Once you have that combination, it never fully “goes away”. The best way I can explain it is by saying that they are like long distance friends that you hopefully don’t have to see often, but when you do see them, they stay with you and usually overstay their welcome. It is exhausting, mentally and physically, to keep up with them. They steal things from you. They might keep you confined to your house. They might tell you not to get out of bed. They might keep you awake all night telling you over-exaggerated stories that aren’t true or they might make you sleep the day away. They are enough to take your appetite away, but they might also tell you to eat everything in your house. They make you overanalyze every situation you find yourself in. Anxiety tells you to worry about everything. Depression tells you to care about nothing. They will rip you in half if you let them.
I’m lucky.
I bet you never thought you’d hear that after a description of a normal day in my head, but I am. I have people pushing me back together in both directions when these terrible friends of mine try to play tug of war with my soul.
If love alone could make this all go away, I would be healthy again. I’m sad to say that it doesn’t, but it does help. You see, sometimes, my brain lies to me. On the days that I get weak and listen to it, my brain seems to scream the lies. I talk to the ones that I love and the ones that love me and they calm me down enough for me to tell my brain to shut up.
I was talking to my dad yesterday about how bad I was feeling and how I wasn’t sleeping well. He could hear in my voice how low I felt. We went through a list of things I could do (one that we have memorized by now) to start to reclaim my life again and by the end of the call, my heart felt a little lighter.
This took years for me to figure out. It took years for me to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’ve simply been strong for too long. Even professional weightlifters can’t do a thousands reps without feeling tired.
You might know someone who is going through something similar. Help them. Call them. Message them. Tell them that you love them and that the world needs them. This is not a “way of thinking” that can be turned on and off. Depression and anxiety does not come from not having gratitude for the things you have. It doesn’t mean they are selfish. It doesn’t mean they are lazy. It doesn’t mean that they can start “thinking happy thoughts” and it will go away. But it does mean that you need to help them. Everyone fights their own battle that others know nothing about, but battles are won by many people not just one. I am so thankful that I don’t fight alone.
“You have incredible people in your life who love you.”
I say that to myself during my morning affirmation that takes place before I get out of bed. It includes many more sayings about being strong and confident, but most days those are more difficult to say. The phrase above has never been difficult to say. It comes out of my mouth without hesitation.
To the people who haven’t given up on me: I know that you wish you could take it all away. I know that you worry. I wish everyone that had these diseases had people like you. This world would be a better place. You’re kindness does not go unnoticed. Your love does not go unfelt. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
an awfully nice life 
I was hoping you would share the list of things your dad goes over with you and how this list came to be?
Absolutely, Amy!
When I go through a very low time, my family knows that I need to be reminded to do even the simplest of things. We start the list with sleep- how, when, and for how long. Sleep is when your body repairs itself. It’s very powerful. My mom usually asks how I’m eating too, but I think that just comes from her being a good mom! We then move on to my medications. I verify that I am taking them accurately. Then, we discuss exercise (I walk a lot to clear my head). This specific time, we talked about adding in meditation, reading, and more writing. We usually end by my parents reminding me of just how loved I really am because when your brain is in such a low spot, it can be easy to dismiss that thought.
Everyone’s list will be different.
It was more of a checklist that I used to go through by myself. I made a list with a therapist of the things that I stop doing once I become really depressed or anxious. One of the goals she set was for me to share it with someone I loved.
If you are struggling, I encourage you to make a list as well. Then, try to check off one thing on that list every day. They don’t have to be big, elaborate things. It could be as simple as making sure you eat breakfast or take a walk to your mailbox. I also you encourage to share the list with someone you care about. The more aware the people are around you, the more they will be able to help.
And remember, it’s okay to have bad days, but it’s not okay to give up. We are all in this together and you are never alone. ♡