To The People Who Haven’t Given Up On Me: Thank You

It has been no secret that life hasn’t been easy lately, or for awhile. But this isn’t about that. This is for all of the people that are still here despite that.

To give some background, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety well over a year ago. Once you have that combination, it never fully “goes away”. The best way I can explain it is by saying that they are like long distance friends that you hopefully don’t have to see often, but when you do see them, they stay with you and usually overstay their welcome. It is exhausting, mentally and physically, to keep up with them. They steal things from you. They might keep you confined to your house. They might tell you not to get out of bed. They might keep you awake all night telling you over-exaggerated stories that aren’t true or they might make you sleep the day away. They are enough to take your appetite away, but they might also tell you to eat everything in your house. They make you overanalyze every situation you find yourself in. Anxiety tells you to worry about everything. Depression tells you to care about nothing. They will rip you in half if you let them.

I’m lucky.

I bet you never thought you’d hear that after a description of a normal day in my head, but I am. I have people pushing me back together in both directions when these terrible friends of mine try to play tug of war with my soul.

If love alone could make this all go away, I would be healthy again. I’m sad to say that it doesn’t, but it does help. You see, sometimes, my brain lies to me. On the days that I get weak and listen to it, my brain seems to scream the lies. I talk to the ones that I love and the ones that love me and they calm me down enough for me to tell my brain to shut up.

I was talking to my dad yesterday about how bad I was feeling and how I wasn’t sleeping well. He could hear in my voice how low I felt. We went through a list of things I could do (one that we have memorized by now) to start to reclaim my life again and by the end of the call, my heart felt a little lighter.

This took years for me to figure out. It took years for me to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’ve simply been strong for too long. Even professional weightlifters can’t do a thousands reps without feeling tired.

You might know someone who is going through something similar. Help them. Call them. Message them. Tell them that you love them and that the world needs them. This is not a “way of thinking” that can be turned on and off. Depression and anxiety does not come from not having gratitude for the things you have. It doesn’t mean they are selfish. It doesn’t mean they are lazy. It doesn’t mean that they can start “thinking happy thoughts” and it will go away. But it does mean that you need to help them. Everyone fights their own battle that others know nothing about, but battles are won by many people not just one. I am so thankful that I don’t fight alone.

“You have incredible people in your life who love you.”

I say that to myself during my morning affirmation that takes place before I get out of bed. It includes many more sayings about being strong and confident, but most days those are more difficult to say. The phrase above has never been difficult to say. It comes out of my mouth without hesitation.

To the people who haven’t given up on me: I know that you wish you could take it all away. I know that you worry. I wish everyone that had these diseases had people like you. This world would be a better place. You’re kindness does not go unnoticed. Your love does not go unfelt. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

That Day

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece the day we had to say goodbye to a good friend of mine. I’ve never published it,  but while glancing through the hundreds of drafts sitting here, waiting to be complete, I found it. I hope it can bring others comfort and just being reminded of a loved one and having memories with them is one of the greatest gifts we could have.

I feel like when you left this earth, you took a piece of us with you. And I could ask for it back, but having a piece of us with you brings me a little comfort. You left us with so many memories that it’s probably the least we could do.

To say that we loved you would be an understatement.  To say that we miss you would be one too. It doesn’t make sense to think about you being gone because I still expect to hear you laugh when I talk to you. I still expect to hear your greeting of “Hey Chica” and see you walk through my door. I know it will never come. I still have so much to tell you, so for now, I’ll talk to the sky.

I know you’d fix this if you could. You always had a way of smirking when things went wrong. It was almost as if you wanted to show that whatever happened couldn’t get you down. It was one of the things we all loved about you. We needed your smile today.

I needed it. I used it as I told people about how great you were. I told them all of the things you did and said that made me happy to be your friend. I thought those things perfectly described you and everything that you were. I ran out of words. Not because I didn’t have a million great memories and stories,  but because all of the things I could ever say about you wouldn’t ever do you justice. It’s impossible to count all the stars in the sky.

My eyes ache from crying. My head aches from thinking. And my heart aches because it isn’t quite as full as it used to be.

I could ask a million questions, but I know that there are no answers. There are moments in the day that I’m angry. Why did God need you right now? Didn’t he see that we needed you more? We still needed you here.

I remember your laugh the most and how if you had something really funny to tell me, you’d start laughing half way through your sentence. It was as if you couldn’t wait to laugh with me and it made me feel special. Being your friend made me feel so special because I know you cherished the ones you had. I was so blessed to have you as a friend.
Now I’m blessed to have you as an angel. 

Thank you.

Dear Everyone,

We live in a time that I wish I could turn the clock back on. Growing up, I was taught all of the basics of manners and I was expected to use them and follow through on my lessons. If I didn’t,  there was usually a punishment like not being able to watch my favorite game show at the time or not being allowed to talk to my friends on the phone (my parents weren’t that creative with punishment,  but it did the trick). The things I remember saying included: please, thank you, no thank you, you’re welcome, nice to meet you, and so many other ones that I could lose you before you get to the next sentence. I’ll take the first step to admit that through the years, I have become a slacker when it comes time to thank others for not only the big things that they do for me, but the little things too. I have a feeling that some of you have as well. In fact, I saw it today.

I was at Kwik Trip,  a local gas station/convenience store when it happened not once,  but twice, right in front of my face. There was a man out to get his lunch time coffee just like I was. He waited in line, directly in front of me, wearing a nice suit and a terrible attitude. He stood, tapping his foot as if he was trying to smash a whole colony of ants (which, by the way, is ridiculous because Kwik Trips are wonderfully taken care of and extremely tidy for a store that sees hundreds of people a day). He answered his phone and complained about how he was waiting at the gas station, making it sound like he had already celebrated another birthday while waiting in line. All of the registers were full of people getting groceries, coffee, snacks, and pretty much anything you could ever imagine you’d need for home or the car because Kwik Trip has EVERYTHING. Two lines finished at the same time and him and I, being number one and two, got to proceed to the counter to pay for our items. Unfortunately Thankfully, I had the register right next to his. Both of the cashiers thanked each of us for our patience and for understanding the lunch time rush.  I said, “No need to thank me. I know you get busy just like I do at certain times of the day.” The man next to me?  He didn’t say a word. Both of our cashiers were very efficient and mine even let me know that coffees were on special that day and I would get a great deal. I thanked her for letting me know. Our cashiers finished ringing everything up and we both paid. The man was done before I was and while he waited for his receipt, he looked at the time on his phone and didn’t even acknowledge the cashier. I listened closely to what happened next, partly because I’m weird and like to take note of social interactions between others, and partly because I have been to Kwik Trip enough to know what comes next. The cashier said, “Here is your receipt. Enjoy your coffee and thanks for stopping in! See you next time!”  The man in the suit and ant stomping shoes left without saying a word. I looked at his cashier who had a smile plastered on his face as though he just found out he won the lottery. It was warm, sincere, and wonderful to see. My cashier reassured me that I got three coffees for less than what I would have paid for a single coffee at a bigger coffee chain (I’m going on a limb by saying I’m sure she means the one that rhymes with “Carducks”). She then smiled a very kind smile and told me, “Thank you. We’ll see you next time!” I thanked them for the delicious coffee and joked that I would probably see them towards the end of the week. I got back in my car to leave and watched as another prime example of what is happening in our world in terms of manners happened right in front of me. A man ran around an old lady to get into the store in a hurry. The old lady,  using a walker, shuffled as fast as she could to get to the door. It shut before she got there and just when I had a perfect moment to pass along the kindness that was just shown to me,  a young boy stole it from me. He ran from the back seat of the car parked close to the door while his mother waited in the front seat and opened not only the first door,  but the inside door for the old lady as well. They said something to each other and the young boy walked back outside with the same smile that I’m sure that I had left the store with just moments before as well. His mother looked at him and looked over to me, almost as if to make sure that she wasn’t seeing things. I gave her a thumbs up and she gave him a high five. And there I sat, in a Kwik Trip parking lot,  with tears pricking the corners of my eyes, and thanking someone who is obviously much greater than I am for sending me to the right place at the right time to see this happen.

As I mentioned before, I’ve fallen off the wagon. I haven’t been the best at giving thanks or recognizing people for all they’ve done. There is no job too small and no thought too small that it shouldn’t be recognized.

People don’t get thanked enough. They don’t feel kindness enough.  They don’t smile sincerely enough and frankly, I think its ridiculous. We live in a country that is one of the richest, but we can’t see the value that comes with making someone’s day a little brighter and better.

It might be the little boy that holds a door open for you, the cashier that gladly helps the grumpiest customer, the janitor at the local high school, a police officer, a sandwhich artist, a teacher, a veteran, a postal carrier, or your friend that does something nice. The nice gesture might be for you, or it might be for someone else. Either way,  thank them. Thank them if it’s for you because it’s what your guardian taught you. Thank them even if it isn’t for you because it makes you and them feel good and they are doing their part to make the world that we all live in a better place. Thank them because it’s the right thing to do.

My hope for this blog topic isn’t to preach,  even though I feel like I could talk for hours on this subject. The point of this post is to get us all back on track. We need to help, thank, and love people because it’s the only way we will ever get our country back to where it needs to be. It’s time to go back to the basics.

I encourage each and every one of you who read this post to thank someone today and, most importantly, mean it! Say it with a smile and mean every single syllable that comes out of your mouth. Furthermore, I encourage you to be the person who does the types of things that people should be thankful for. Give every person you meet a reason to say thank you too.

Without getting into the details too much, life has shown me just how unpredictable it can be over the past few months. I want this project of giving thanks and doing things that deserve thanks to become a movement.  I want to know that I helped start something that is far bigger than me. I want to help change this world for the better, and I need your help. In the comments below, tell me something that you’re thankful for that happened today. It doesn’t have to be big.  It doesn’t have to be a miracle. It just has to be something that you were thankful for. Then tweet it, share it on facebook,  instagram it, or do whatever you can to tell the world. Maybe if we get enough people to show what they are thankful for, we can stop focusing on all of the bad things that are happening and fully appreciate the good that happens every day that we don’t give the credit to that it deserves.  And if life were to ever become unpredictable again,  like we all know it will, and I leave this Earth,  I will know that my life was worth it if this post helps just one person. I hope that if you share this, you feel the same way.

I’ll end this post in the only way that seems fitting.

Thank you for reading my blog.

i saw you.

I heard you today, but it wasn’t like before.
There wasn’t a call or a knock at my door.
You came to me in a song- like it was written just for me.
I sang it out loud and didn’t care if people could see.
I look for you always when snowflakes fall down.
I saw you in the leaves as they turned red, yellow, and brown.
I see you in the raindrops while they’re falling from above.
And when the sun shines warmly, I swear I feel your love.
I see you in the faces of strangers in a crowd.
When I hear your message, it’s always clear and loud.
I saw you today in the little boy with the michevious smile.
And I swear sometimes I hear your laugh every once in a while.
I saw you in the gentleman that offered me his seat.
And I saw you help that young man walk his grandma across the street.
I heard you in the cheesy joke and even laughed at it too.
You always did have a way of showing up exactly when I needed you.

Sometimes when this happens, I look to the sky and thank you for letting me know that you were just passing by.

It sometimes makes me happy and sometimes makes me sad, but knowing that your with me doesn’t make me hurt as bad.

I look for you always in all the things I do, and when good things happen, I know they happen because of you.

Thank you for looking out for us while you watch from heaven on your cloud.
I promise to take this life of mine and do my best to make you proud.

Missing you, Kev. ♡

Everything.

When I think about everything, I feel heavy.
I feel anxious.
I feel sad.
Yes, when I think about everything, I feel everything.
You were my everything.  You were all I thought about.
You hurt my bones to the core. I heard them crushing like the hopes and dreams I had for us and everything.
You ruined everything and left me with nothing. When people asked me what was wrong I’d tell them, “Everything.”
They knew because they could see it. They saw my tears and everything. 
You’re gone.

You are now nothing to this new person who you’ll never know. You were everything terrible in this world. I have no remorse for anything.

But now, I’m someone’s someone. And he is really something. He’s the one who healed me from you. He’s my everything.