To The People Who Haven’t Given Up On Me: Thank You

It has been no secret that life hasn’t been easy lately, or for awhile. But this isn’t about that. This is for all of the people that are still here despite that.

To give some background, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety well over a year ago. Once you have that combination, it never fully “goes away”. The best way I can explain it is by saying that they are like long distance friends that you hopefully don’t have to see often, but when you do see them, they stay with you and usually overstay their welcome. It is exhausting, mentally and physically, to keep up with them. They steal things from you. They might keep you confined to your house. They might tell you not to get out of bed. They might keep you awake all night telling you over-exaggerated stories that aren’t true or they might make you sleep the day away. They are enough to take your appetite away, but they might also tell you to eat everything in your house. They make you overanalyze every situation you find yourself in. Anxiety tells you to worry about everything. Depression tells you to care about nothing. They will rip you in half if you let them.

I’m lucky.

I bet you never thought you’d hear that after a description of a normal day in my head, but I am. I have people pushing me back together in both directions when these terrible friends of mine try to play tug of war with my soul.

If love alone could make this all go away, I would be healthy again. I’m sad to say that it doesn’t, but it does help. You see, sometimes, my brain lies to me. On the days that I get weak and listen to it, my brain seems to scream the lies. I talk to the ones that I love and the ones that love me and they calm me down enough for me to tell my brain to shut up.

I was talking to my dad yesterday about how bad I was feeling and how I wasn’t sleeping well. He could hear in my voice how low I felt. We went through a list of things I could do (one that we have memorized by now) to start to reclaim my life again and by the end of the call, my heart felt a little lighter.

This took years for me to figure out. It took years for me to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’ve simply been strong for too long. Even professional weightlifters can’t do a thousands reps without feeling tired.

You might know someone who is going through something similar. Help them. Call them. Message them. Tell them that you love them and that the world needs them. This is not a “way of thinking” that can be turned on and off. Depression and anxiety does not come from not having gratitude for the things you have. It doesn’t mean they are selfish. It doesn’t mean they are lazy. It doesn’t mean that they can start “thinking happy thoughts” and it will go away. But it does mean that you need to help them. Everyone fights their own battle that others know nothing about, but battles are won by many people not just one. I am so thankful that I don’t fight alone.

“You have incredible people in your life who love you.”

I say that to myself during my morning affirmation that takes place before I get out of bed. It includes many more sayings about being strong and confident, but most days those are more difficult to say. The phrase above has never been difficult to say. It comes out of my mouth without hesitation.

To the people who haven’t given up on me: I know that you wish you could take it all away. I know that you worry. I wish everyone that had these diseases had people like you. This world would be a better place. You’re kindness does not go unnoticed. Your love does not go unfelt. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

i need you.

There will be times when I need you to love me a little louder, especially on the days that I don’t love myself.

I’ll need you to yell over all of the voices in my head that tell me that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough.

I’ll need you to speak up for me when the words won’t escape my throat.

I’ll need you to give me pep talks to get out of bed.

I’ll need you to tell me that you believe in me when I give up on myself.

I’ll need you to hold my hand and keep me grounded when my world starts to spin.

I’ll need you to be my best friend when it feels like I have no one to turn to.

Most of all, I’ll need you when this nightmare is over.

Found

Falling in love with you wasn’t hard.
You smiled in my direction and I got lost.
I was lost in your smile and your laugh.
But they were like road maps showing me the way back to the me that no one sees.
You have honest eyes.
I can tell because they are like nothing I’ve ever seen.
And when I told you about all of the wrong that was done to me, you apologized for their mistakes.
You’re special to me and to everyone that meets you.
Your heart is made of gold but still it’s you that treats me as if I’m a precious metal- never knowing your worth.
No one has ever noticed how you shine.
But I found you in my darkest of days.
It would have been so easy to fall into the black but you walked by and just like a child chasing fireflies, I followed you.
I watched you light up the world for others and let you light mine too.

I wake up next to you.
Your hair is messy; your beard is unkept.
I wonder how I slept though your snoring.
I’m so thankful that I’m looking at you.
I’m so thankful that you guided me to a place where I can be myself.
So I lay here and I watch you sleep.
I straighten out the tshirt- your tshirt- that I slept in and grab your hand.
You open your eyes and smile and I smile back.
I know as you squeeze my hand as you drift back to sleep that this is what love feels like.
And I fall again, but thankfully, falling in love with you isn’t hard.

The Power of Folding Pants

Here is my confession: I hate doing housework.

I know that you’re thinking, “Who doesn’t?”, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I actually despise it. I hate dishes. I hate laundry. I hate vacuuming. I hate it ALL.

I blame my mother. My mom was the mom/wife of the year for almost 26 years running (my 26th birthday is on March 5th). I never once saw our home looking trashed or dirty even though I can still hear her voice in my head when she said, “I don’t want us to live in filth and squalor.” That particular day, I picked my socks up off the ground and all was well again.

I never wanted to take care of anything of the sorts even though I feel so much better when it’s done.

Recently, I began a new relationship. He is older than me and is a complete neat freak. It’s safe to say that I absolutely adore love him. He is very caring, sweet, and calm. He is everything that my previous boyfriends weren’t. And maybe that’s why I feel myself changing.

I noticed it as we were setting up for a Superbowl party. He just got done with working a 12 hour shift and still needed to go to the grocery store, dust the house, clean his bedroom, fold his laundry, clean the bathroom, shower, eat, and sleep so he could be ready at 6:30 the next morning for another 12 hour shift. I looked at the clock that read 8:32pm and couldn’t figure out when he would have time to accomplish all of that. Then, I uttered words that I never ever thought I’d ever say.

“Why don’t you start with a shower and I’ll take care of the other things.”

First of all, he wouldn’t let me go to the grocery store which is probably a great idea as I get lost and distracted very easily there. Next, WHAT!?!?

I stood there, trying to figure out if I really just said what I think I said. Did I really just say that I would do things such as dust the house?! (I should also add that this house is not mine or his so I really get no benefit of it.) I just volunteered like Katniss Everdeen and didn’t even think twice.

Was I growing up? Is this when I start to really make some changes in my life and start to become the doting lady who keeps a perfect home? My sink full of dishes says otherwise. I think it’s more than that.

My boyfriend works so hard. He is a wonderful sidekick. He is a great friend, a perfect timed joke when I’ve had a bad day, and the only one I want to share a dinner with. I truly care about this person, so I WANT to care FOR this person. LIGHTBULB.

Everything made sense now. When I was younger, I was involved in everything, and I mean everything. I would have practice after a full day of school and then I would have hours of homework. At some point, I needed to sleep and eat. My mom cared about me so deeply that she wanted me to be able to take care of myself, so she did all of the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning for me. She knew that I had a lot on my plate, so she eased the weight of it all by taking the things off that she could and leaving me with the necessities of my life at the time. What an incredible woman!

As I woke up to my boyfriend’s alarm, he rolled over and said, “Go back to sleep for 20 minutes. I’ll be back up to kiss you goodbye.” I closed my eyes and just thought. I thought about him. I thought about his work and thought about how he won’t even be able to enjoy half of the party because he’ll be working for most of it. I thought about how tired he probably was and how he felt like he still had so much to do. So in twenty minutes, he kissed me goodbye. He asked why I didn’t go back to sleep and I told him that I wasn’t tired while yawning. Rookie mistake. He of course laughed at me for that. I started getting dressed and as I heard the door shut, I looked over to his closet. There was a laundry basket full of clean clothes and another big pile next to it waiting to be folded. I could leave it, but instead, I picked up a t-shirt. It was one that he wore a lot. It smelled fresh. It smelled like him. I put it on a hanger. I continued until the basket was empty and started on the next pile. I folded pajama pants, socks, and even his underwear (and first in our relationship). And it was done. All of it. I put everything away and made his bed and just as I was walking out of his room, the incoming message tone sounded on my phone. It read, “Thanks for all your help last night and today love you babe.”

And just like that, the things I did for him don’t seem like they were a hassle at all. I’m so blessed to have a man in my life that appreciates the little things. I’m happy to have someone who takes the extra 30 seconds to send me a message thanking me. I’m grateful that I have the ability to care for someone and make the weight of the day a little lighter. And I’m thankful that I had a mother that taught me that caring for someone is one of the greatest things you will ever do in your life.

Maybe I’ll do some of my own housework today…

between the lines.

I wonder about you much more often than I should.

It’s a side effect from caring I guess.

I wish there was a magic potion that I could take to make it go away, but so far, whiskey is the only thing that comes close.

That’s the problem I suppose. I wonder about you when the whiskey hits my lips and I think about how it used to taste on yours.

But then, I’m back to reality. I’m back to thinking about my life and how messed up it is and how some days, I’d hug you and it was like you put together the puzzle.

I know you never felt that way, but that didn’t mean that I could forget. I still can’t.

Most days, I’m sure it looked like I held it all together. Now, the only thing I hold together are the pages of my journal when my hands have written too much. You were the only one who got to read between the lines.

My life was like a novel. You read between the lines of the creases between my eyes when I had a bad day. You read between the lines of all the times I told you that I was fine and sometimes, I’m afraid that I’ll never have someone who wants to read that novel again.

Before I knew it, I was lost in the words and lost in the way you used them to wrap me up just long enough to distract me so you could close the book.

We’ll never know how it could have ended or if there would have been more chapters, but for what it’s worth, thanks for reading.