drowning.

If you’re wondering if this post is about you, it is.

I remember the night I met you, wishing I could blend into the shadows, not knowing why I was even there. I wasn’t used to being alone and neither were you, so we spent the night alone together looking at a bridge that matched the color of your eyes. That night was the first night in a long time that I laughed, and I mean truly laughed. My heart was full of rips and tears and had been stitched together recklessly. I knew when you smiled at me that I was in trouble and that those stitches probably wouldn’t hold, but I did it anyway. I went for it. I walked the plank and plunged into the unknown, fully aware that I might drown. And I did. I drowned in the way you said my name and they way you would reach for me at night. I drowned in the way your sleepy smile would slowly make its way to your face at three in the morning after you “accidentally” woke me up and after I would kiss your cheek before I fell back asleep. I drowned in the way you made me feel beautiful and special. But I never expected to drown when you said goodbye and the only thing left were the red gleam of your tail lights fading away from my house.

It was true. Our story was written quickly and it was short, but my, what a story it was… I read every syllable. I loved every word. And I re-read it from time to time when I can’t sleep. It’s one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever read.

Some nights, I still think I hear your truck pull up to my house. I check the window for signs of you coming to say that this was all a mistake, but I know deep down you’ll never show. I understand why you didn’t want me because most days, I don’t even want myself. I wish I deserved someone like you in my life; I thought when you appeared that you were the apology for the boys who came before you. And in some ways, I guess you were.

You showed me how I should be treated. You kissed me how I should be kissed. You held me how I should be held. And you believed in me like no one ever had. For those reasons alone, I’ll never be able to repay you, but I will tell you this. You deserve those things too.

You deserve to have someone who is proud to have you. You deserve someone who lights up when they see you smiling at them. You deserve someone to lay awake and stare at the ceiling and be perfectly content by just being next to you. You deserve someone who can make you laugh and make a hard day better. You deserve someone who appreciates all of the good and bad pieces that make you whole. And although I know that I wasn’t what you were looking for, I truly and honestly hope you find it.

 “Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us. 
-Emery Allen