monster.

“Come fix my brain,” she said with whiskey on her breath.
It was just another one of those days where everything was wrong and there was no one to make it right.
There was no one to hold her.
No one wanted to.
She was not herself,  but a hollowed out version filled to the brim with heartbreak.
Sometimes, there’s no way to try when you’re drowning on the inside.
And drowning she was.
Gasping for one solid breath so she didn’t have to panic any more.
Reaching in the dark for something to hold on to.
And knowing all too well that she was alone with herself- the scariest monster of all.

catching my breath.

an introduction into the life that belongs to me.

i’ve never been a girl that’s easy to figure out and i like that about myself, except for when i can’t figure myself out.

i sometimes still struggle with my depression and all that it entails. i’ve lost friends and people i truly are about over it, but i’ve always thought that i’ve always had myself.

today it occurred to me that i’ve lost myself.

now, to be clear, i’m not sure if this was depressions fault or if it was just me running before my brain could catch up. so much has happened in the past few months that sometimes, it feels like i can’t breathe.

but why not be breathless? why not hyperventilate? why not have the wind knocked out of you? 

life is all about taking chances and changing and evolving and becoming a better you.

have i done that? yes.

i ran far away from the girl that told herself that she wasn’t worthy of love.

i ran far away from a dead end job.

i ran far away from the small town that i grew up in to start fresh in a new place.

in turn though, i ran away from parts of me that i really loved.

i do not dare turn around and collect them though. absolutely not. i’ll collect the people things that brought me down as well.

i will let the good ones catch up.

when i changed, i changed quickly. why delay the process?

did i move too fast? some days it feels like I did. but now, i finally get to rest for awhile.

so if you need me, i’ll be here.

i’ll be here feeling the burn in my lungs.

i’ll be here catching my breath.