“Good Enough”

When I was 13, I always thought that I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone to ever love. Like many teenagers, I was a little dramatic. I’d tell my mom daily that my hair was too curly, my teeth weren’t straight, my stomach wasn’t flat, my glasses made me look like a nerd, and so on. I spent so much time fixated on all of the things that I thought made me unlovable.

I was worse than average. I was short. I was weird. I was different than what I thought everyone wanted. I wanted a boyfriend, but I was so awkward that I couldn’t even be in the same room with boys without making a fool of myself. A lot of times, I would just sit quietly. Anyone who knows me now will have a hard time believing that.

One day, an ass hole guy came along that made me feel wanted and loved, so we decided to date for about 7 years. (I know… dramatic again. Clearly, I had a way with relationships that was kind of like a car going from zero to sixty in two seconds flat.) I was told every day that I was loved and that I was “perfect” in his eyes. One night, after an argument with my parents, I told him that I never thought I was good enough. He replied that I’d always be good enough for him.

That was exactly what I wanted! Finally,  I was good enough in the eyes of someone who truly cared about me! Unfortunately,  there were other girls that were “good enough” for him too. They placed their “good enough” heads on my pillow when I wasn’t sleeping there. He held their “good enough” hands. He kissed their “good enough” lips and made their “good enough” smiles shine just as brightly as my perfectly straight smile did.

So there I was, not even good enough for the one person who told me I would always be. The funny thing about your brain is that it tries to repair itself with whatever it can think of that will make it better the fastest. That’s why your heart can be breaking and your brain is still telling you not to cry and to put on a smile.

I pretended my way through thinking that we still deserved each other. We were back together. We had a future planned. I was good enough again for a man boy who couldn’t make up his mind. I was showered with love and affection. I was proudly displayed to his friends and family. And then one day, another “good enough” girl was too. It happened again. I packed my belongings up with my broken heart and never looked back.

I’m 25 now. I’ve been through deaths and more tough breakups. I’ve struggled and continue to struggle with diagnosed major depression and anxiety, but I’m fighting. In all of my therapy sessions so far, I’ve explained this feeling of inadequacy. I’ve told my therapists that I don’t feel lovable. I don’t feel worthy. I just feel like this second place version of the girl that everyone wants.

I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of it.

In the days of social media, it’s easy to get wrapped up in how everyone else’s life is moving forward while it seems like you’re playing the childhood game “Red Light, Green Light” and the person yelling the commands went to make a sandwich after yelling, “RED LIGHT!” You feel lost. You feel lonely. To make it worse, the Pinterest wedding you have planned is currently at a stand still. Everyone is having babies and you’re just drinking with a weirdo at a bar.

I’m sick of the term “good enough”. It’s degrading. It’s confusing. “Good enough” is a C-. It’s passing a class by the skin of your teeth. A recipe that is “good enough” is edible at best. It might not be something that Gordon Ramsey will scream at you for, but he isn’t going to let you win “Hell’s Kitchen” for it.

I hear girls say that they want to be “good enough” for a boy who keeps choosing other girls ahead of them. “Good enough” is easy to attain. I attain it every day by getting out of bed, showering, and looking presentable in public. How powerful would it be to attain a life that was better than “good enough”?

The first thing you must do is be better than “good enough” in your own eyes. Be your own hero and your own biggest fan. Laugh at your own jokes. Love the body you’re in. Love whatever kind of hair sits on top of your head. Wear your glasses that make you look like you’re studying for the SAT. Dance your heart out to a song and use those cheesy 80’s dance moves (you look good, don’t worry). Sing every lyric to a Backstreet Boys song in public. Write a blog post and share it with all of your Facebook friends even if it terrifies you. Be yourself. Love yourself.

I’m working on all of the above advice and some days, it’s still really hard. I still have days that I don’t like myself, but I will always love who I am because I fought to become this person. I’m proud of what I have to offer this world and the next person that tells me that I’m not “good enough” can go to hell (sorry, Mom…I got wrapped up in the heat of the moment).

Be stronger. Be wiser. Be sillier. Be braver. Be happier.

And above all, remember, you have so many other wonderful things about you that push you above and beyond the threshold of “good enough”. Be better than “good enough”, live a better than “good enough” life, and love someone who knows you’re better than “good enough” and treats you like it too.

#bebetter